So lost

Today i decied to come back jerr and start posting again.

I am just finding my way back to who i am. Sometimes finding your back to who you is a long road.

For i spent a year losing weight. Than anothet uear trying to find a even hround so i could eat with my family. Cook easier. But i have found there is no easier way to find me. I felt so goo whe. I was down to 142 lbs. Now i am back up 165 lbs. That is so not where i want to be. I get tired. My hot flashes are pretty much getting out of control. I do not want to go on meds for it. That makrs a lriorty findy way on this toad. I know how to do this i just need to push through the hard times. Make stuff for me to eat.

Metablism Miracle Eating Plan 3-25-13

So today I am going to start once again to try and get back eating the way my body needs me too. It will take a 8 week period of eating the right things to get me started. I did this a year ago and did well. I worked at. Took the comments from Family, who thought I was eating to little. But kept going, and took my weight down to under 185. yeah that last about 8 months before bad habits and excuses crept back in. Now I'm going to start again, One year later. I know I can do it I jsut have to remember that I'm worth all the effort it will take and will be more proud of my self when I can reach the point of looking at a photo and saying yes I made it.

I had photos take of me just recently and when I saw them. I just sat looking at them. Thats not me I said at first that is someone else, not me. How can that person be me. When I look in the mirror I see my mother when she became diabetic. But these pics of me from the last 5K I ran, well they don't look like my mom, and they don't look like me. At least not like I think I look.

This is me just before the finish line. I'm in green/black. I'm weighing in at 187.2lbs now.  I start at a whooping 213 lbs. just 4 years ago. I now as I look at this picture I don't see me, yet I know in my heart that it is me. All I see is this fat lady, in my mines eye. This is something that I know I have heard can happen and cause of my own self esteem is sometimes Low I hit this point. However, after a few days of time looking at it. I can see the changes. I can see that it is me. Over time, I will get use to it.

Metablism Miracle has taught me that I can do it, espically if I put my mind to it. I just need to make up my mind to do it and keep going no matter what. Met B is hard on me, but I want to get back to where I feel better both physically and mentally about my self. So here it goes one more time. Wish me luck.

New Year Fresh Start

As I was sitting here reading the blogs of others, I realized that the Year was coming to an end and I decided to look back and see what I had done this.

My mind doesn't come up with much. A trip to South Lake Tahoe for Mother's Day, Great new way for me to eat that helps with my weight problem, A trip on a Train to Utah for a Wedding, and a trip to Boise Idaho for a family reunion. We if you look at it that way I have done alot this year. It has gone by fast for me. I look forward to another year of growth.

Yesterday I learned that I have been working so hard this year just to read the Book of Mormon front to back. Which I did and learned alot. Only to find out that it was good. But the Prophet Pres. Benson said in 1988 that we need not to just read that one but also the bible at the same time. Ok just getting thru the Book of Mormom was hard enough at times. Now this year I need to do it again and read the Doctrine and Covenants and Prearl Of Great Price, too. I'm going to try to do this I'm not sure how well I will do.
Yesterday, I gave talk about being prepared. That is something I need to do every week. I'm not a teacher, but I'm an adult in a class so I need to be ready to participate in class.

I've been talking to my daughter Melisa lately, her insight into things sometimes reminds me of my mother. I miss her when I her my daughter talk so about the church. Mom had her faults just all of us do, however she was a spritual woman, She knew when we were in trouble without us having to tell her. She was wise in her understanding of the church and scriptures. I still hope to someday be half the person she was.

I was talkingt my husband the other day, he made the comment that if it were not for me, he wouldn't be active in the church like he is right now. Sounds alot like my dad sometimes yet alot like his dad. I see him in my son more and more each day. He attends and does his calling, but if not for that I don't think he would come to church. He doesn't have the backing like my husband does. Then I see Roy in Mary as well, I wish I could see more of my mom in her, but right now I don't maybe someday.

The days seem long and drawn out right now. I guess that has to be expect this time of year. When its gray and dark outside all day. Depression can and will set in if I let it. I'm going to try hard not.

With the New Year starting to night I need to look forward now not backwards. I need to find something to look forward to. I not sure what that will be but I'm going to be going to the temple will spend sometime thinking about the future and where I should be going with it.

Well the days seems to be dragging so I clean my office and get the paperwork ready for the new year now.

December thoughts 12-26-12

Sitting here trying to figure out what the new year will bring for me.

It has been a year a difficult times for my family. I know some would say that is nothing. But for this family it has taken it toll on us. We redecorated the living room, held Christmas at our house. But still nothing seems to change much. Just move this from here to there. I'm such a packrat. Not really a hordder just a pack rat. Afraid to get rid of something because I might need it in the future. Some things I haven't seen in years and I still come accross them and say, wow I forgot I had that, I keep it with the thought that I might need it in the future. Yeah packrat is my second middle name.

I do have to say that even though Christmas was not easy this year. We were able to get through with everyone getting things they really wanted. Even me. A New Microwave, A laptop computer(thanks to my Husband.), new clothes for exercising in ( size Medium, and yes I can wear them, yeah), a Wolfgang Puck Knife set, a gift card to Kohl's and a another gift card from Kohl's. I have been truely blessed this year at Christmas. My family was all home together for Christmas. That was the greatest Christmas Gift I could have wanted.

Things change and we all move on. This next year my son will graduate from College with a BS in Criminal Justice. I hope that he can find a job when he is done so he can do what he wants with his life. Take care of his family. This next year is looking to be an interesting one for the family and I am trying to be up and positive about it. I need too keep moving in the right direction for me and my family.

My everyday thoughts

Today, I am just a few chapters away from finishing the Book of Mormon I haven't done this since High School. I have bites and pieces but never front to back since HS. So I feel like I have accomplished something this year. I have ready things I haven't read before. So that is nice. They say everytime that you read the Scriptures you find something you didn't see the last time you read it. So I'm excited to finish it. It has helped me to keep going when I just want to crawl in a hole and stay there. Sometime the call I have takes all I have out of me. I end up wanting to helacopter everyone. I know I can't and that is so very draining on me. I need to find a place of safety and so far that has been the scriptures for me. I hope I can keep it up and read another one next year.

Other wise, its the same old thing day in and day out. Except for Vactions to South Lake Tahoe or Utah, I feel tired, not so much physically as mentally. I feel like I should be doing another 5K some where. Already the family is trying to help me with the gym funding by not keeping their memberships. I just don't know what to do. I feel like we need the gym to be there during the winter. I know I need to find the right time to get myself to the gym. Just not working out for me to go home and then try to come back.

Last night my husband for the first time made dinner from a Recipe that Mary was going to do. I was so proud of him it was wonderful. After words he was talking about what he would do different the next time. Wow he is changing about cooking. Which is nice new recipes makes it easier to cook. Hopefully no more boxed foods.

What's on my Mind these days? 9-13-12

It seem's strange to that it has been almost 2 months since I started walking to work for my health and to save money. we save money it's all that I thought it would be. no money saved but health wise I lost a few pounds then found them again. Yeah that worked out well. Well for now I'm still walking to work my body misses it when I don't and pretty soon the rain will come and I will not be able to walk to work. I'll miss that but will have to just go to the gym instead.

Been in that up and down mood again. I don't like it. I want to find a level ground to walk on.

A Little of this and A Little of that today 8-31-12

It has been quite a busy few days. getting back into the swing of working 9-5 everyday after being on vacation for 7 days. Yeah that is somewhat hard. Of course there are things have been interesting. We have been able to start old projects again, which is being a big help at work.

I cook my first deer meat last night for the dogs but still working on getting my brother to let me have some that is not freezer burned.

Last night I made breakfast for dinner. Pumpkin Waffles with Pecans on them and Over Easy Eggs and Bacon/Sausage. It turned out good. I had lunch with my mom Carol, she bought me lunch. That was really nice of her. I can't wait for October I love eating lunch with my Mom and Aunt. Mom leaves on September 10, for Niagra Falls with My Aunt, Annette, and Grandma for her 90th Birthday. What a vacation that will be.

I'm looking forward to so many thimgs that are coming up. Yet there are things I'm not looking forward to as well.

My mind jumps around on what I am thinking. You would love it if you could just watch the movies of what my brain is think all the time. To much time on my hands. But for now I just want to focus on the things coming up for like. Thanksgiving, Christmas, and A trip to Utah in April with a good friend for Family History. Yeah I would really like to move forward on some of the family lines but I just don't where I should start dead ends are hard to break thru. I don't understand the new Family Search. They make it so hard to do your research. Ok. enough of this kind of ranting.

Mike and Michelle have headed to sac and then will head to Santa Cruz to spend the weekend with Mel and Guido. So no newly weds at my house for 3 days. That just leaves Mary. I'm hoping for a quite weekend since it will be a three day weekend. Monday will be the breakfast and Parade in Nicolaus. I guess after all the years of attending with my kids for school, I have gotten conditioned to attending the parade every year around this time. I like to look at the booths. Don't buy much just look. But it is something to do with my day. Ok I guess I'm done for now later aligater.